The last 45 days have been a melting pot of all kinds of thoughts in my head. Evaluating my current state, past choices, career, personal philosophies, etc, etc.
In the last 45 days, I’ve hit a personal wall in terms of what I want my career to be. Photography is a world I love…but, I think to myself: “So many amazing artists out there…where do I fit in?”
Perhaps it’s a question that I shouldn’t be asking. Perhaps the real question is, “How can I make myself fit in?”
I used to take pictures of anyone and everyone when I first got my Point & Shoot camera. If it fit in my frame, I would shoot it. And people I knew loved my work!! When I bought my 5D, I was super hyped and motivated to start shooting more seriously, and I did for the first couple of months.
Then something happened, I began assisting. And a whole new world and endless levels of skills were unveiled to me. I almost immediately became insecure…I felt that because I hadn’t studied Photography for a grade and diploma, and because I wasn’t familiar with all the greats of photography, there was no way I could produce images worth looking at.
Also, I felt the pressure of following my early “success.” My friends were all very supportive, but I had this drive that I had to produce top-quality work…especially since I now had “pro-grade” gear.
Maybe I’m just over thinking. It’s obvious that I was and have been over thinking, as I usually do.
As of now, I realize the amazing position I’m in with assisting Kat and having contact with amazing artists and people. Why I don’t take advantage to grow from this opportunity, I don’t know. But I know I have to. I cannot be an assistant forever. I have to shoot on my own.
Am I lazy? Am I still scared and insecure? Doesn’t really matter. The truth is, all I really need is to just DO.
I feel I become more confused the more I try to make sense out of how I got here. Well, it’s not so much the “how” but the “why” I got here. Again, over thinking.
On the flip side, these last 45 days have brought me some really cool shit. I was able to befriend an artist who I have been a fan of since ’09. I also got the opportunity to assist a photographer from Australia (Zanita), who’s work I had been following for a few months now. It was surreal meeting and working with someone I’m a fan of…awesome, but surreal. I only assisted for about 4 hours, but that entire day is just one big blur in my mind.
Also, someone from my recent past made a return, waving the friendly flag. I still haven’t yet decided whether I want this person around or not. But I imagine if the thought of this person causes me to become angry…they’re gonna have to go.
Just some thoughts I needed to get out.